Vents
by Chaos Silk
Summary: Reno has finally gotten on Sephiroth's last nerve, leading to a chaotic chase through Shinra building. General Humor.
1. The Start

Dedicated to Karla and Zirou for their generous donations on Gaia. Much love and happiness to you both.

AN: Karla requested a funny Reno fic with Sephiroth trying to kill him, Reno escaping and Vincent...Which for anyone who knows me, knows this will be a hilarious fic.

Warnings: Random humor.

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"I swear to god, if you do that one more time..."Sephiroth growled, grip tightening around his pen as he glared at Reno. They were in one of the many boardrooms, waiting for President Shinra to arrive so they could not get any work done.

Reno smirked at him; green eyes glittering mischievously as he slowly lifted his thumb... and clicked the pen. Sephiroth growled, flinging himself across the table. Reno ducked, narrowly missing being tackled by the psychopath and ran out of the room giggling like a schoolgirl.

Sephiroth roared, running five steps behind him as they raced through the halls, uncaring as they ran over various employees and nearly knocked over Hojo. Not that either would care if they accidentally ran over the loathsome scientist. In fact, if Reno survived, he probably would cheer.

Of course, he had to get through this first.

Reno grinned brightly as an idea popped into his head and turned sharply on his heel, racing towards the bathrooms. He could feel Sephiroth gaining on him as he slid into the door, pushed it open, forced his way into the only stall and heaved himself up into the air-vents, making it look as though he had suddenly disappeared.

He didn't stick around to see the shocked look on Sephiroth's face and was almost positive that the General would be climbing up after him. Taking a left turn, then a right, a left again and a final right, he came face to face with a vent. Shrugging, he popped it open and jumped down onto the floor, not really caring where he was as long as he was far, far away from Sephiroth.

A cough from the center of the room made him look up. He blinked and then froze, face looking sheepish.

"What did you do now?" Vincent demanded in monotone, fingertips tapping against the surface of his desk as he regarded the redhead. Reno laughed nervously.

"I was just bored." Reno said, wincing as an enraged shout of his name echoed through the building. Vincent looked at him for a second and then began to laugh.

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TBC

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Liked it? Loved it? Hated it? Want to stab me in the face because of lack of updates? Review.


	2. Vincent's office

Dedicated to Karla and Zirou for their generous donations on Gaia. Much love and happiness to you both.

AN: More fun with Reno and Seph... and it's not that yaoi-kind, oddly enough.

Disclaimer: I forgot this last chapter, but I don't own anything except what spawns from my twisted mind.

Warnings: Random humor.

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It was times like these that made Reno wish that he had a camera. He stared, amazed as the stoic Turk proved that he did indeed know how to laugh. The redhead grinned, eyes darting up to the security camera up in the corner and made a note to steal the tape from the security room when his life wasn't in danger/ if he made it up there fast enough to hide.

He blinked and froze as the camera made a whirring sound and turned to point at him, zooming in. He swore violently, knowing that Sephiroth had just made it to the security room and was searching the cameras for him. He looked at Vincent, who was now smirking knowingly, eyes darting from the camera to Reno and back again. The older Turk was no help; he wouldn't interfere unless it fatal and he knew that now that Sephiroth had calmed down, the worst he had to fear was permanent injury.

The way Reno saw it he had three choices and ten minutes, maybe even more if the elevator wasn't on the floor the security room was on, in which to make a decision.

Choice number one was to risk being caught on camera _and_ running into Sephiroth and dash down the hall into Hojo's lab. He could spend the rest of the day there, knowing full and well that the almighty General never stepped foot in there if he could help it. But that also came with the risk that Hojo would decide to use him for an experiment, he still wore the scars from the last time he had tangled with the Good (he uses that word loosely) Doctor. Thankfully, he wasn't that desperate.

Option number two was Rufus's office, which for reasons unknown to the Turk, didn't have security cameras placed in it. The Vice President was always willing to let the redhead hang out there for the day as long as Reno didn't mind doing a couple favors for him. Also it was several floors up, which would require several mad scrambles through the vent, dashing up several flights of stairs (Sephiroth always took the elevator), climbing back into the vent system and hauling ass in the direction of Rufus's office.

Thinking back, Reno was kind of glad Tseng made them all memorize the layouts of the vents. How else would he escape from Sephiroth/Tseng/Paperwork when his life was at stake?

Option three had the least amount of risk. Reeve wasn't pissed at him for any reason and his office didn't have cameras because the **security team** was scarred by what Reeve did when he was alone. Knowing what the Security Team was up to most of the time (watching really hot porn), Reno found it hard to believe that mild-mannered Reeve did anything disturbing enough to scar them. But then again, you know what they say; it's always the quiet ones.

Reeve's office was also two vents over from Vincent's. Which meant it was not only safe, it was convenient. However, Reno didn't want to be mentally scarred by whatever Reeve was doing in his office, he prayed that whatever Reeve was doing, he wasn't alone with his moogles.

But before he climbed into the vents again, he took the time to consider secret option four, which was escape from the building completely/ But that would be cheating and would be considered quitting the game, and while Reno was many things (pyromaniac, thief, pole-dancer) he was not a quitter.

"Later Vin, Feel free to tell Sephy-kins where I went..." Reno announced, grinning maniacally as he climbed back into the vent. He waved cheerfully at his fellow Turk and started to crawl. Vincent watched him go with a smirk, not even bothering to ask where the snarky Turk was headed. He would be sure to relay the words to Sephiroth though, right down to the Sephy-kins.

Reno was so dead when Sephiroth finally caught up to him.

And Sephiroth would eventually; even it did take days, weeks, and maybe even months to catch the mischievous redhead. Thankfully by the time the silver-haired General did get his hands on him, his homicidal rage would've abated and Reno's life would be safe.

His limbs however, were another matter.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Updates will come at least once a week, or every two weeks. Reviews are loved.


	3. In Which there is Tseng

Dedicated to Karla and Zirou for their generous donations on Gaia. Much love and happiness to you both.

AN: Reeve... And Tseng... And Reno.

Disclaimer: Mwahahaha... I have updated... regularly... three times. Fear me.

Warnings: Random humor.

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Reeve blinked, staring suspiciously at the vent in the upper left corner of his office. It almost sounded as though someone was knocking on the other side of it. But why would anyone be...

Reeve stopped that train of thought as he recalled that the more, mischievous was a nice way of putting it, members of Shinra used the vents as an alternative means of transport throughout the building. Though why any of _them _would willingly visit his office was beyond him. But just in case, he zipped his pants up.

"Are you decent?" A voice questioned from behind the vents, followed by a metallic squeal as the panels in the vent lid were turned to allow a pair of green eyes to peer out from between them. Reeve raised an eyebrow, meeting the emerald gaze evenly.

"Reno?" He asked, though it couldn't possibly be anyone else. The only other green-eyed person in the building was Sephiroth and he had too much dignity to go crawling through the vents. Reeve sighed as the eyes blinked. "What did you do now?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Reno demanded as the metal piece the covered the vent and supposedly kept people from climbing inside it fell to the floor with a resounding clang. Reno shrugged and gracefully jumped to the floor, barely sparing the thing a glance as he walked towards the desk and the (thankfully) clothed Reeve sitting behind it. Wasn't his fault Shinra was too cheap to buy (or replace) screws for minor things like that.

Reeve coughed, discreetly doing up the top button of his pants as he cleared a space for the redhead to sit on his desk. He pushed several unimportant stacks of paper to the floor, not even flinching as they scattered all over. Reno smiled at him, hoisting himself onto the single piece of furniture and sitting cross-legged in the clear space.

"Good Reeve." He said, patting the executive on the head like one would a pet as he glanced over the side of the desk as the abandoned papers. He shuddered, spotting several nude pictures of Reeve's current target lying on the ground alongside the papers. He shook his head and continued on like Reeve wasn't stalking someone he knew. "You're finally learning."

"Careful Reno." Reno eeped and fell off the desk upon hearing the voice coming from the doorway. "He might decide to stalk you next." Tseng raised an eyebrow at the red head sprawled across the paper-covered floor.

"Shiva's icy tits Tseng." Reno swore, tilting his head back to stare at the Wutaiian man. He raised his right hand to clutch at his chest, trying to still his beating heart. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

Tseng shook his head in amusement as Reno looked beneath him and twitched, then swore as Reeve pushed the rest of the contents of the desk onto his head. The head of urban development was smiling, eyes glinting mischievously. Tseng paused for a second as his brain processed what was happening, then tipped his head back and laughed.

"Is this a private party or can anyone join?" A dark voice purred from somewhere behind Tseng. Reno was off of the floor and into the vents before anyone could blink. A single piece of paper fluttered in his wake, landing face up on the floor.

"Was it something I said?" Sephiroth asked, darkly amused as he exchanged looks with Tseng.

Reno shivered, arms and legs moving into overtime to put as much distance between him and Sephiroth as possible. He took a right, pushed the cover off the vent and jumped to the floor, glancing around suspiciously before running up the stairs.

Now that Sephiroth had made his one visit to the security office, he didn't have to hide in the vents any longer...

But climbing through the vents made running for your life so much more fun.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Updates will come at least once a week, or every two weeks. Reviews are loved.


	4. Rude, the duck and the plant

Dedicated to Karla and Zirou for their generous donations on Gaia. Much love and happiness to you both.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

AN: Mwahahaha... I have updated god knows how many times in two days.. Fear me.

Warnings: Random humor.

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"Reno..." Rude asked, staring at the Turk cowering behind the potted plant in his office. The redhead made a noise that might've been annoyance, peeking out from behind the leaves.

"I'm not here." Reno announced in the tone that Zack used when he was wearing a lampshade on his head. Rude decided that now was a good time to pretend he knows nothing about this. If Reno used that tone, things were never good.

"Right." He agreed, attention refocusing on his precious rubber duck. He wondered if Reno not being here meant that he couldn't gather blackmail. Rude was getting a really strong urge to sing "rubber duckie, you're the one."

"Hey Rude do you have the... Is that Reno hiding behind your plant?" Elena demanded as she walked in the room. She pointed at Reno, looking confused. Rude glanced at the plant.

"No." He stated simply, placing his rubber duck back into the drawer and turning back to his paperwork. Elena raised an eyebrow.

"Then someone who looks suspiciously like Reno just randomly decided to take refuge behind your plant." Elena asked, looking at Rude dubiously. Rude stared at her, eyes serious behind his glasses.

"Elena, I don't know what you're talking about. There is no one behind that plant." Rude said as Sephiroth peeked his head into the office. Reno squeaked and returned to the vents. Sephiroth darted back out. Elena and Rude looked at each other.

"That didn't happen either." Rude said, nodding once before drawing a duck on his paper.

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TBC

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Thanks for reading and reviewing.

God I love this fic.


	5. Tseng, Tseng's desk and Reno

Dedicated to Karla and Zirou for their generous donations on Gaia. Much love and happiness to you both.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

AN: Whoops, this was supposed to be updated months ago.

Warnings: Random humor. Implied Rufus/Tseng, 

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"Reno?...Why are you under my desk?" Tseng sighed, rubbing his forehead as he attempted to sit at his desk without kicking the idiot hiding underneath. He set the huge stack of paperwork he was carrying down on his desk with a loud thump, hiding back a snicker when it loosed a large amount of dust onto the green-eyed male's head. Reno sneezed, glaring up at him.

"I would think it perfectly obvious." Reno sniffed, crossing his arms, and sticking his nose in the air, or at least as close as he could come to in the cramped space between Tseng's legs and the desk. Tseng raised an eyebrow, looking down at his lap. Reno sighed. "I'm hiding. Now shush, you look like you're talking to your..."

Tseng did not catch the last of the sentence because Reno sneezed quite loudly and suddenly Sephiroth was standing in the door of his office. Tseng blinked, tilting his head to the side as he tried to act like his second was not hiding under his desk, between his legs. He could only imagine the chaos the rumors coming from that particular little detail would cause.

"Tseng..." Sephiroth stated, a smug little smirk appearing on his face. Tseng felt Reno tense up, his fingers clutching at the fabric of his pants harsh enough to tear the fabric. Reno was so going to owe him a pair of pants and dinner, if he survived this anyway. "I don't suppose you've seen Reno since our last encounter?"

Tseng smirked at him, planting a foot dead on in Reno's side in an effort to make the redhead release his slacks. "No, no I haven't." He said, lying through his teeth without even flinching at the thought of what the General would do to him if he found out he was lying. Sephiroth blinked.

"You haven't?" He sounded surprised. "Then who is that under your desk?" He demanded, suddenly suspicious. He had always known that Tseng could lie with a straight face, but he wasn't aware that he could lie to _him _without even blinking, and for Reno at that. Tseng hesitated for a second, mind flashing through all the possibilities. 

Tseng smirked. Not only would he get one up on Sephiroth with this, Reno would owe him one and Rufus would get the punishment he deserved for filling the coffee maker with DeCaf for three months in a row. By Ifrit, that had been the longest three months ever. "Rufus of course...As a reward for special..." He emphasized special by making finger quotes. "...services done for the Vice President." Sephiroth looked torn between amusement and disgust.

"I always knew that you were a slut..." Sephiroth sneered, before stalking out of the office. Tseng looked at his lap and did not like the look he saw in those sparkling green eyes. He sighed; deciding it was best to shut this down before it got started.

"No, I have not, nor will I ever, had relations with Rufus Shinra. And you, sir, owe me big time for this." Tseng said, shaking a finger in front of Reno's face just as Elena stepped into the office. She looked very, very confused.

"Uh, sir. Why are you talking to your..." Before she, or even Tseng could blink, Sephiroth was standing in the doorway, an angry looking Rufus behind him and Reno was only a red blur heading towards the open vent. Tseng regarded them coolly.

"I'm only doing my job." He shrugged and turned back to the pointless mission reports as Sephiroth stomped off and Rufus fumed, wanting to strangle the man who had made protecting the other Turks the Turk Leader's first priority. 

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Heh, maybe I'll write a second one just to make y'all happy.


	6. Palmer, and Kidnapping

Disclaimer: I don't own.

AN: Rejoice, for it has finally been updated.

Warnings: Random humor.

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Reno crouched in the corner of an unnamed employee's office, studying the map of the floor he had yanked off the wall when he had run past. He could feel the wary eyes of the office's owner on his back, but he ignored them in favor of plotting out his path. Sephiroth and Rufus were now patrolling this floor, out for his blood, and he needed to find a safe place to hide, preferably in someone else's office. This one was too scared to do much of anything, much less his work. With a sigh, Reno rolled up the map and tucked it into his belt as he dramatically rolled out of the office, heading towards the one place he had thought he would never go.

Palmer's office.

"Yo, Fatass." Palmer looked up, blinking as Reno strode into the room like he owned it. The redhead paused, blinking once as he stared at the large man. Palmer stood near his desk, a long piece of rope in one hand, and a razorblade in the other. Reno tilted his head to the side, blinking again as Palmer attempted, and succeeded at, hiding the items behind him.

"Do I even want to know what you were going to do with those?" Reno asked suspiciously, eyeing the other man like he was going to attack at any moment. Palmer gulped, looking around nervously. "N-n-n-n-nothing." He stammered out, sidling over to his desk and dropping the rope and razorblade inside without Reno seeing him.

He squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and stared the redheaded Turk in the eye. "What brings you here? Has the President finally decided to add more to the Air and Space Program?" He paused, cheering up considerably. "Would you like some lard?" Reno looked at him like he would a bug he wanted to squash.

"Sorry, but no...." Reno managed to get out before he was suddenly yanked out of the room by a very, very angry Rufus. The Vice President dragged him down the hall, a storm cloud practically hovering over his head as he stomped towards the elevator.

"Are you taking me to Sephiroth?" Reno asked, obediently following the Vice President like a puppy.

"No." Rufus answered, all but throwing the redhead into the elevator and pressing the button for the top floor. Reno smirked, leaning against the wall.

"Then lead on."

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TBC

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I have bigger things planned for the next chapter, I swear.

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


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